some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
