where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
love makes seman taste better
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize