loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
