If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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