We won't sleep together?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
