No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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