My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
