I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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