Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
