I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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