so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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