Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize