It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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