I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
