I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
NoShamevember. You game?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
