So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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