Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
