Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
