So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm like, not good at living.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
