Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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