ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
