Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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