I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
