I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
