just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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