dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
