so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
