dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
