I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
