We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
