I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think i got beer on your cat.
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