She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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