his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
bring money and cleavage
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
