I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
