she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
