Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
