I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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