I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
