Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
