Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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