It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
