if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
