the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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