Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
