I wish my penis had an off switch
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
