I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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