i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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