I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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