Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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