I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My feet surprised me
Randomize
