My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
