its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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