You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize