I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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