Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
