i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
