my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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