my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
