my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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