New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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