I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
